How To Argue- The Right Way

always arguing

Building Up Rather Than Tearing Down


When it comes to relationships, one of the most accepted ideas is the notion that all couples fight. However, this may not be true. In fact, when a couple starts with the cooperative dialogue and ends up in a heated argument, this may be an indication of a fractured relationship.


The science of psychology tells us that communication is the core of any relationship. It can be said that it is the barometer in which a couple’s level of general connectedness, compassion, respect, emotional and social ability and intimacy can be measured. Communication breakdown between two people, especially in the moment of aggression, may be an indication that there is something wrong with the couple’s relationship foundation.


Which brings us to the next question, “how to argue in a healthy way as a couple?” Or why do couples argue and why is there a need to raise voices. Aggression, even if a verbal aggression, is an indication that one has reached their limits when it comes to emotional and social capacity. Whenever a person finds themselves in a position where they feel they have no option, or feel backed into a corner the most common tendency is to lash out. When someone is lashing out, it may manifest in different forms. When it comes to relationships, it usually means raising voices and harsh languages.


The ability to recognize the specific situation that makes one feel this way gives rise to an opportunity for personal growth. If verbal aggression is a product of an overblown personal limitation, then the ability to identify it and control the escalation means that you are exploring and pushing the boundaries of your limitation. Which in turn, will help you and your partner become a better person.


However, do not be mistaken. Not arguing isn’t so healthy for your  relationship either. In fact, conflict is a vital part of any successful relationship. Yet, there is a choice of negatively or creatively approaching the conflict. When the word creativity is used in this context, it means to build something rather than tearing something down. Some couples tend to use silence or avoidance as a means of avoiding conflict. However, such a tactic is just as dangerous as a couple screaming at each other. While you can compare a screaming match to a bulldozer ploughing a house down, the avoidance tactic is like water slowly eating through the foundation.


not speaking after an arguement


A better or creative way of arguing is when both partners are putting an effort into identifying the root cause of the argument. For example, a couple may be quarrelling about money, but the root cause is safety and security. A couple may be in conflict about housework, but the real root is the quality of the environment.


Once both partners establish the root cause, the next step is introducing compassion and understanding. This means that both couples should be fully aware of each other’s limitations and vulnerabilities, and more importantly, avoid stepping over them.


The way couples argue is another facet of cooperative communication. If the root cause of the conflict is because of one person, then it’s easy for the situation to turn into a “blame game”, which in turn may contribute to expanding the division between two couples. Avoid playing the game and work on helping each other. If the root cause is external, the situations are easier as both couples can work together for a common goal.


How couples see the relationship also plays a big factor in the long-term success of the relationship. When couples consider their relationship as unwavering and monolithic, they have a lesser chance of succeeding compared to couples that consider their relationship as something that is evolving and organic. The main reason behind this is because the “unwavering relationship“ idea has a tendency to put couples in a state where they are so sure about the relationship and assume little investing is needed. On the other hand, couples who see the relationship as organic and always evolving, tends to be more aware about possible relationship problems and find solutions before it happens, which in turns gives birth to a more stable and positive environment in the long run.


While it is true that conflicts and arguments are a part of any relationship,  there is always a choice of letting it build you up or tear you down as a couple. Learning to fight creatively will give you new light for verbal conflicts. Instead of avoiding, which is just as dangerous as a screaming match, look at it as an opportunity for growth by learning how to argue in a way that both of you are building the relationship rather than tearing it down.

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