Falling in and Out of Love?

falling in and out of love

Falling in and Out of Love? Not always a bad thing!


Love; it’s all you need apparently, it makes the world go around, it changes everything and it’s a many splendored thing. Well yes, all of that stuff is fabulous if you’re in possession of it…the thing which drives us, the magical emotion which keeps us all on our best behaviour and ensures we make an effort to look good, smell nice and act in a pleasant manner; but what happens when you’re all out of it? Or you’ve been denied it? Will your world still be beautiful? Will you manage to wake up and put on your makeup? Say a little prayer? The answer of course is yes you will, we can all function perfectly well without love but the fact remains that it is a driving force in much of what we, as humans do in our day to day lives.


We live our lives in pursuit of comfort, of happiness and of love. When we are falling in love the world is changed, our senses are heightened, everyday things take on a new brilliance and even the mundane can become beautiful to our glazed eyes. The walk to work is no longer a soul destroying exercise in fruitlessness, a trip to the supermarket becomes as romantic as a stroll in Paris in the Spring…see the new lovers fawning over one another as they fraternise over the semi-skimmed; watch the newly initiated stumble over the squashed tomato on aisle six and still manage to be graceful and forgiving as they dreamily amble towards the wine section.


Ah yes, the wine section; when we’re newly in love, every day is a party isn’t it? A quiet night in becomes an excuse to stare at one another over dinner and drinks, a night out is the same thing but in the company of eye rolling friends. And do we care? No! Of course not! All we care about is the object of our affection and protecting the glorious bubble in which we now reside.


Falling in love has been likened to being drunk or high and that’s because of the chemical reactions which take place in our brains. Dopamine is released and we seek to extend and retain the feeling by spending more and more time with the person whom we love.


The rush of falling in love is incomparable to anything and the saddest thing about it is that like any high, it just doesn’t last long enough. For some, the natural buzz takes on a comfortable hum, an ever present if low frequency purr which doesn’t go away. But others find that the love which they felt so strongly can disappear just as suddenly as it arrived leaving them bereft. What if that happens and you want it back? Is it possible to recreate the old glow? Can we ever recapture the dizzy feeling of newness which love brings?


To answer that, it is necessary to look back at the first time your partner entered your life, to remember the surprise which you felt at the joy you were sharing with them. How could you not have always known this person? Where were they before? Why do you adore everything about them to the extent that you’re a little bit jealous of their teddy bear which they’ve hugged nightly since they were three?


When the rush of love has faded and the adoration morphed into irritation, can you ever recapture those special first few months again? Of course you can!  Those feelings have not gone away forever; they’ve simply been covered over with a veneer of familiarity. Look again at the little things which made you shiver with delight back when you first adored one another…they may now be making you shiver with disgust but is that reversible? How could you have thought the way he slurps his coffee so manly when it’s patently obvious it’s gross! How on earth did you imagine her eyes were like an angels’ when they’re staring you down with a spark of pure hatred in them?


Look again at those quirks, those individual habits and details which were what made you notice your partner in the beginning. Remember the way his shoulders were so admirable that time you went for your first walk by the river; re-live the way she danced in the club before you’d had the nerve to speak to her. Making an effort to recreate those times can help too so make a date to revisit the old haunts which you shared in the early days.


Falling out of love is not a loss; it’s just a change. Love is not what can be boxed in and labelled; it’s not solid or immovable. Love can’t be the same forever because forever suggests an unshakable quality and by its very nature love is fluid and erratic like oil in water or wind in trees, beautiful but ever changing.


Some people never again capture the freshness of first love; this is because first love suggests lost love…which is painful. And once those people learn the lesson that love can bring pain, they are for ever more cautious when encountering other lovers, afraid that when the love begins to change, they will be hurt.


Throw away your fear; ignore the creeping thoughts of growing old and lonely without love because that need never happen, even the old fall in love!


Without fear, your love can never be lost, only altered. True lovers know that love can and does alter, just as people change so do their feelings and the depth and significance of those feelings…but none of this means that love is not present. Like waves and the tide, it comes in and it goes out in a rhythm which is not to be reckoned with.


So when your partner slurps his coffee or your lover looks at you with laser beams in her eyes don’t give up but ride it out and remember that love, true love can alter, shift and change. As we grow and develop as people, our emotions are subject to change which brings about shifts in our relationships.


Don’t run from these changes but embrace them and move on with the times! You used to love that weird thing he does with his toes but now you think it’s weird…that’s a fact so accept it, move on and find something else about him to love. And there will be something, there always is.


So, if you are falling in and out of love. See it for what it is, go with it. Maybe you can even learn to embrace it.


If you would like further reading on this subject I whole-heartedly recommend the highly- praised book I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You (seven steps to saving your relationship) by Andrew. G. Marshall. Some say this book should be read whatever stage of your relationship you find yourself in. It may prevent you ever hearing those dreaded words ‘I love you, but…’.


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